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Friday, June 13, 2008

Ended. It ended painfully yet beautifully.

A mindset struggle.. One side of me is telling myself : give up. Letgo. It's very obvious le isn't it? he doesn't reply.. he's avoiding... wad more do u expect? why are u trying to get a definite ans? asking for a direct reject rite in the face? or forcing a yes out of him? u're hurting yrself and he wun noe it. He's playing soccer.. yet u are waiting for his sms like a silly...
The other side of me is telling myself : wait. continue... is yr love tht shallow? ur previous love for ** lasted 2 yrs even if ** had gf and liked other gals, yr love for him continued... for him now.. its only 2 months... he doesn't reply maybe he needs more time? he got his own reasons? And maybe is u are expecting too much frm him? and all the hurt is caused by u urself...

For 3 yrs... i didn believe in liking someone... coz i lost the feeling of it eva since so long... until i met him... its diff frm crush... like can transform to love.. however crush cant... yea .. but so wad if i noe how it feels liking someone? it hurts so much....
I'm stuggling frm the 2 voices in me... haix. My first time to tell someone how i really felt and my feelings for him and it turned out liddat...- avoid. HIs actions now to me is like a stab in my heart and leaving me to bleed... pls either call the ambulance or kill me. Leaving me to bleed to death is slow and painful. -Thats what i feel la. I'm hurt, sadd and throughly dissappointed... really.. i feel tht my tears're worthless... at my lowest point.. when i was in bus-175 to orchard today... i turned to god surprising. Yea.. i rmb-ed what chia yee said abt god.... i found solace and serenity...
Today i basically walked the whole of orchard here and there.. to worn myself out physically.. i tried to keep myself occupied... But when we went to 7-11 to grab a drink... i told my aunt to buy jolly shandy for me.. and thus the memories came back again... He said tht he wuld be there to hug me if i were to cry... yet he were the reason for my tears.. and he wasnt there...

The only thing i culd tell myself now is... follow yr heart...
I mention tht 'it ended. painfully yet beautifuly' . He told me this b4 : nv assume. So lets presume ( thou its the same ) for now tht he meant an end to this by not replying, unless he makes clarifications. So since it ended, i'm glad tht it ended beautifully coz the laz i saw him wad also the day tht left me with the fondest memories. I shuld be satisfied. I used to envy my uncle & his wife(ah kim-in hokkien). They are eva so loving. Since sec 2 they're tgt.i also envy my parents. they were also each other first love same as my uncle and ah kim. Thou they quarrel.. But each time after their quarrel they manage to patch up and their love went to another higher lvl, their quarrel also spice their life up.....I rmb-ed my mum told me this b4 : Be satisfied with wad u alrdy have. U can & muz work hard in order to achieve the things u wan. BUt, nv envy those ppl who're rich or have things u cant hav, cause u'll nv noe wad problems they face. Nv go looking to becum summone who's poor thou they maybe more close-knitted as a family or wad... cause ur trobles'll just mutiply day-by-day. What's yrs it's yrs. Dun snatch, dun force. cause results wuld be undesirable & u'll not be happi even if u have it, and eventually it'll leave u one day.

How long wuld i take to overcum this hurdle? "In life there's always ups & downs... If not life wuld be monotonous..." this is wad i always use to encourage myself with... to help me feel better. And i certainly believe tht all the worse things will be over some day ...守得云开见青天.

it ended @ 10:07 PM

I will be waiting